“Who are you, Gary Gygax?”
“Pfft, I wish.”
[This article contains bad language, tut tut.]
Fans of Archer know that sometimes the employees of ISIS like to play games on the weekend, granted if they put any weapons in the time-lock safe to stop Cheryl going berserk. So, crazy idea, what if they all sat down one evening to roll dice, play D&D, and drink Bloody Mary cocktails well into the night?
Of course, Malory would be the all-controlling Dungeon Master.
1st Note: These character sheets are fairly accurate to D&D 5e rules, but with some changes here and there for creative purposes. If anyone wants to use these character sheets, be my guest! You’re welcome to create your own stats for the weapons/spells/features/traits with your DM to suit your particular game.
Sterling Archer, a.k.a. Randy
Of course, Archer would choose the name Randy. Most of the game would involve him rolling to slap the piss out of Cyril. He should’ve been a vet (he just didn’t get the grades), so he’s proficient in Animal Handling, and his Features include a skill called ‘Power Blackout’.
Lana Kane, a.k.a. Mitzi
Lana would be given the name Mitzi by Archer. She’d be the only person in the group trying to complete the objective, but she’d often run out of bullets as she only ever packs 2 rounds of ammunition.
Pam Poovey, a.k.a. Spamela
In order to help the group become a more effective work environment, Pam would be the one to organise the D&D session alongside Cyril (who we already know is in a Warhammer Guild). She’d be the group’s tank, but would be too busy trying to get laid throughout the game.
Cyril Figgis, a.k.a. Pilbo Baggins
Cyril is quite clearly a seasoned D&D player. He’d know every bit of lore to relay to the group, which would disgust Archer immensely.
Cheryl Tunt, a.k.a. Cherlene
Cheryl would spend the whole game trying to burn everyone’s character sheets… and the rest of the building. Every time someone shouted a command to her, or Malory would tell her to roll for initiative, she’d scream “YOU’RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!”
Algernop Krieger, a.k.a. Klonbruder
It would be difficult as the DM to keep Krieger on track. He’d be off doing disturbing things to various NPCs in-game. Pigley III would be his trusty familiar throughout; eating up their defeated enemies and leaving no trace of evidence behind.
Ray Gillette, a.k.a. Phil McCracken
Ray would probably end up being crippled by Archer before the game’s end… They have to carry him around in a Bag of Holding.
2nd Note: Couldn’t have completed these character sheets without the Archer Wiki.